


The Recipe for Success

by paladinquen (postmodern_robot)



Series: Mr 7th Floor Verse [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Multi, Side Story, mentions of one-sided IceCan, mentions of past DenNor, mentions of potential HongIce, mentions of potential NedCan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 23:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12046299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postmodern_robot/pseuds/paladinquen
Summary: Christian has everything he could ever ask for in life, except maybe a big fluffy dog, that all his loved ones live in the same place at the same time. Except...there's more...and he just needs to figure out what that is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a random side fic set in the same universe as my NedCan Mr 7th Floor fic. Since I mostly write NedCan these days I’ve been writing about falling in love, but I also wanted to write about other forms of love - for family and friends.
> 
> Yes I’m also cheating and using a POV that isn’t Matthew because it’s kind of fun. Matthew is kind of clueless to certain things. Lux also thinks quite differently from Matthew.

Christian de Boer believes that he is a simple and mostly happy man. He’s good at his job (where he plays with numbers and makes himself and his bank a lot of money), he now gets along well with both his siblings and learns a lot from them, he lives in his sister’s very expensive apartment and has it all to himself mostly because of how often she travels. By extension he also has three adorable bunnies to keep as pets because his brother travels even more (even better, he made his brother and Mathias *pay* him for taking care of them…though it appeared that even Daan was getting tired of flying around as much as he did). He also had the luck to live in the same city as his best friend from childhood. It didn’t happen all that much these days, people grew up, got married, moved to different cities or countries, but somehow he and Emil Bondevik managed to stay close.

So all in all, life is good, he wants for nothing. Except maybe for his best friend to smile a little more…but Emil isn’t very good at smiling.

“It’s a good thing that they’re talking again though? Isn’t that what you’ve wanted since they broke up? For your brother and Mathias to at least be friends again?” Christian almost said ‘your brother and your other brother’ because legally, the Kohlers had adopted Emil after his and Lukas’ parents died in a car accident and the courts decided that Lukas was too young and unsettled to have custody at the time. However, the sentence sounded weird and very very wrong. He had been watching too much Game of Thrones.

“Yes…” Emil trailed off. Christian was standing by the mirror, holding up two shirts and wondering what to wear today, while Emil was lazily lounging on Christian’s bed. He’s grateful for the company since Belle is in Kinshasa. Christian liked having familiar people around him, and he liked his colleagues well enough, but he wasn’t really the overly social type.

“…And I mean, I’m glad.” Emil continues. “You’re right, I don’t know why I feel so…worried. I guess because there’s a chance this could just be…repeated history right? And if they fail this time, it’s failing for good. I guess I also feel bad for Matthew.”

Matthew…oh yes Matthew. Williams. Christian can’t hide the smile sneaking up on his face. “Matthew…ah yes, the guy Lukas was dating and your office crush.”

“SHUSH!”

The great thing about Emil was that his skin was so unnaturally pale that he couldn’t hide his blushes usually. Christian tosses both shirts on the bed and rummages to find another one as he chuckles. “Shouldn’t that be a good thing for you I mean? That means Matthew is available!”

“Oh my God Christian if you don’t shut up, I swear to-”

Christian has to burst out laughing. “I’m kidding I’m kidding! You should have seen the look on your face! Okay I need your help Em - the forest-green Valentino? The beige Burberry? Or…” he pulled out the newest striped edition, “…D&G?”

Emil gives him an exasperated look. “Holy…Christian each of these shirts probably costs the same as my monthly salary!”

Christian shrugs. His siblings often judged his expensive taste in clothes but he didn’t believe in hoarding his money. Money was earned to be enjoyed, and Christian was exceptionally good at his job. It was his money, he could choose how to spend it. “I think the Valentino is a little too formal. So that means…”

“Burberry.”

“Yeah?”

“You wear stripes a lot, try something new.”

The Burberry it was. Emil wasn’t a fashionista, but he had an eye for aesthetics. Christian pulls the shirt on to give him a little more time to think about what to say to his troubled best friend. “Em…no one wants to relive your brother and Mathias breaking up. I understand why you’re worried, it was fairly horrible for you the first time but it sounds like they’re just becoming friends again, there’s not necessarily anything romanti-”

“If there’s nothing romantic, why did Lukas have to break it off with Matthew?!”

“I don’t know! I mean that’s between your brother and Matthew right?” For all that Emil complained about Lukas wanting to be a little too involved in his life sometimes, he was equally guilty. “But let’s live in the now. Right now, Lukas and Mathias are learning how to be friends again, we’ll leave it at that. If…they decide to learn how to be more than friends again, I mean…they’re different now, you know that better than anyone. Just take it a day at a time. You can’t control it, and…” This was the important part. The Bondevik brothers were control freaks sometimes, mostly because of their trauma, and with Emil it meant constant anxiousness over a world that he would never have control over. “And you shouldn’t. I mean it Em…you’re not responsible for their friendship or potential romance, you really can’t and shouldn’t try to control it. Whatever they decide to do, or not do, it won’t be your fault and it’s not anything you should interfere with anyway, and as you learned from what happened before, them not speaking to each other doesn’t take away any of their love for you. They worked really hard at not making you choose between them. If they managed that then, it’s kind of normal stuff by now.”

Tough words for a tough situation. Christian sighs when he sees the reflection of Emil’s blank stare at the sheets. He turns from the mirror to look his friend in the eyes. “Easier said than done I know.” He says softly. “But I’m here to distract you, whenever you need. Come sleepover whenever you need to. You know that Lukas trusts me, you won’t get the annoying questions if it’s me.”

Emil nods. Christian can tell his mind is still on Lukas and Mathias but at least he’s just been allowed to talk it out a little. He keeps the other two shirts and joins Emil on the bed. “So…tell me more about Matthew.”

Emil rolls his eyes and turns away.

“Come on! It’s all innocent crushing right? What’s the point of innocent crushing if you can’t gush once in a while?”

“How come you never get crushes?” Emil asks back with an annoyed tone. It’s a good question actually, Christian didn’t really get crushes and when he did they were very theoretical. He also had never, ever felt the need to have sex. It was again, an interesting idea in theory, but seemed to cause more trouble than it was worth. It made him feel like he was a bit of a freak at times, which he knew was ridiculous.

“They just seem to be more trouble than they’re worth?”

Emil turns back and looks at him. “Well yes but that doesn’t seem to help me control mine.”

“Who said anything about control? It’s not like I’m controlling myself when I don’t really crush on anyone. You seem to like Matthew for legitimate reasons, he was really kind to you. He sounds like a genuinely nice guy. Attractive too, and patient. His promotion timing sounds a lot like my brother’s and that means he’s good at his job too. Win-win. That’s so rare these days. Em come on, you are not the first Associate ever to crush on a Manager and you won’t be the last. I’m pretty sure Matthew Williams had a crush on someone at the firm and just had to be embarrassed about it and live with it until he found other things to do. I can’t tell you how many people went crazy over both Daan AND Belle! Which is…so hilarious to me. And you know what? My siblings don’t mind, those people survived, you will survive. Matthew Williams is probably used to it, or is flattered. Cute guy like you has a crush on him? It would make his day..”

Emil looks at Christian as if he’s grown an extra head.

“What?”

“You just…really don’t know that guy.”

“Who? Matthew Williams? Obviously not, which is why I asked you to tell me more about him. Come on, you want to!”

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean you aren’t going on any trips for the next six months? I’m just going to have to break in and kidnap them then.” Christian laughs as he nuzzles with Nijntje. She’s his favorite, maybe because he can also vaguely remember growing up with the famous cartoon rabbit she’s named after.

“Thanks for letting me know, I’ll install a new deadbolt on the doors and windows.” Daan responds, as he takes numerous pictures of Hitam and Maple doing their thing around the living room.

“Not that it’s not nice having you back” Christian replies. “I’m glad you’re taking a break from the traveling. To be honest, I never really got the travel bug that you and Belle and heck, even Mum and Pap have.”

Christian has always looked up to his brother. He loves Belle and looks up to her too but Daan was so absent for the longest time, and silent and cool when he was around, it kind of led to some hero worship for a while…which led to disappointment…but now they were mostly grown ups and Daan had learned to let his siblings live how they wanted, all that was left was respect and only the occasional exasperation.

“You’re lucky.” Daan responds, taking yet another picture, which is quite strange because yes, Christian knows that Daan loves these bunnies but this is obsessive picture-taking by anyone’s standards. Wait…

Photo…Daan tapping on his phone. Texting.

Photo…text.

Daan puts his phone down and says something that Christian doesn’t really hear because he’s looking in fascination at his brother’s phone vibrating like crazy.

“Who’s the lucky person?” Christian has to ask with a knowing smirk.

Daan freezes in front of the fridge for a moment before playing it cool and shrugging. “I made a new friend, is that so hard to believe? He loves the bunnies.”

“Yeah…everyone loves the bunnies, but you don’t send everyone pictures, you don’t even do that for me!”

“You don’t send me pictures when I’m on the opposite side of the world and you’re babysitting them. You hog them.” Daan hits back. Honestly, how was his brother a Partner in charge of teams?

“Fine, be mysterious. None of my business anyway…yet.”

His brother looks out the window, distracted and troubled for a moment before focusing back to the living room. “He’s just a friend. So…how are things with you? And what time is Emil turning up again?”

“Ah…now he’s going to meet us directly at Mathias’ place, and that’s an hour away.”

* * *

**ONE AND A HALF HOURS LATER**

“Why are you pulling me to the back?” Emil hisses at him.

“Because you have access to the back and I don’t!”

“What do you mean you don’t? Daan gave Mathias the start-up capital to open this place!”

Christian stops for a moment and ponders that. “Does this mean I have open access to every place Daan and Belle have invested in?”

“Oh for…come on! Hi Mathias!”

Mathias is a blur passing by “Hey kids!”

Emil takes him to a new room that’s been set up in the back that was once another storage room, but is now a kind of R&R room for staff. No one’s using it at the moment though. “What is it?”

“So…my brother is totally into someone.”

Emil tosses his head and looks at him. “Again? Why does this warrant being dragged to the back?”

“What do you mean again?! Daan is a romantic at heart but he’s really hard to please! I’ve never seen him glued to his phone like this before! He’s sending pictures of the bunnies out, the BUNN-” He stops at Emil’s wide-eyed look - a look that says he’s just figured something out and he isn’t quite sure he can believe it. “Emil, do you know about this?” There’s only one way that Emil would know something about Daan that Christian doesn’t, and that’s through work. They’re not on the same teams, they’re not even on the same floor but still, gossip travels far in a firm, and Daan is a Partner after all.

“I don’t know.” Emil finally says. “I can’t be sure but I dunno it’s probably nothing.”

“Things that are probably nothing are usually not nothing Em.”

“This one may be. Look you know about…Matthew right?”

Christian sighs. He doesn’t know why Emil has to ask ‘do you know about Matthew/Matthew Williams? Everytime he brings the man up, as if Christian hasn’t spent the last few months hearing about the man and how nice he is, and how smart he is, how attractive he is, and how every associate on the floor had a little crush on him, and how maybe Lukas wanted to settle down with someone who *gasp* WASN’T Mathias and Emil can see why. If Christian’s own brother is joining the Bondevik brothers with the ‘I worship Matthew Williams’ party he’s…well Christian isn’t sure what he’s going to do yet but it would probably involve stress buying something. “No Emil. I have no idea who this Matthew Williams dude is, I don’t know about his nice hair, and nice eyes, and general niceness, in fa-”

Emil ignores the look on his face and interrupts. “Matthew almost got run over by a car the same week Lukas dumped him. Daan was there, took him to the doctor and bought him lunch. They became friends after that. That’s kind of expected really I mean, near-death experiences and all will form bonds.”

Makes sense. “Oh okay. Well, Daan does need more friends - actual friends, not just people trying to get jobs or money out of him or trying to get into his pants.”

“Yes. Can we eat now? Or do you want to eat here?”

Christian thinks about him. “I don’t want to take the staff room from anyone on a break.”

Emil nods and they make their way back out to the sitting area. “Mathias looks better,” Christian observes. “Less harried, more energetic again.” Rekindling his friendship with Lukas seemed to be doing wonders.

“He’s gotten more help and direction. An accountant figured out the funds, Mathias has used it to hire some actual managers, not just teenagers who need part-time jobs so yeah, he’s got more time to rest these days. It’s a good thing, he’s also thinking of opening a new branch.”

“Oh wow.” Christian is already doing the numbers in his head. He doesn’t know the exact terms of Daan’s friendship loan but he can guess at the probable percentages on the return-on-investment. His brother’s going to be even richer. Maybe there was something to this silent investing in things that weren’t the stock market. Christian could stand to sacrifice some clothes here and there to explore new options.

“CHRISMAN!”

Only a limited number of people call Christian ‘Chrisman’ - his colleagues in the trading room. He has no idea why that’s his nickname since it’s the same number of syllables as his own name, but these things usually had no logic to them. But Christian likes Leon, his very ambitious Hong Kongnese-British-Canadian colleague. They shared gossip, fashion tips and had the same vice for stress-spending. They had gone on a shopping spree together once and it had been wonderful for their wardrobes but otherwise a terrible terrible idea.

“Leon!” The work-smile spreads on his lips automatically as he steps forward to greet Leon with a handshake and slap on the shoulder. “First time here?”

“Like it’s the talk of the town! You know how much I love food, it took me forever to make time to come here. Oh hey you’re wearing the D&G, nice! I almost wore that this morning but went with the LV instead.”

Christian stepped back and gave Leon an assessing eye - Leon tended to more bold fashion choices than Christian preferred, but it worked on Leon. Cooler temperatures meant fancier coats and more excuses to accessorize. Fall and Springtime were for going crazy with the options since once winter actually hit, fashion had to be thrown out the window in favor of practicality.

He hears Emil sigh and knows he’s shaking his head even if he can’t see Emil properly. “Don’t encourage him. Please.”

That makes Leon pause and look over at who spoke, then look again, then really look. Oh no…oh yes.

Oh my God, this was either going to be the best or worst thing ever. Leon is convinced that Emil is a model, which means he’s trying to talk to Emil with excited, almost manic interest and it’s a little too much actually. At least it definitely is for Emil. Emil doesn’t know that Leon isn’t this…manic…all the time. Leon is energetic, driven and the most ambitious person that Christian has ever met (which is really saying something). Sometimes you felt withered in Leon’s very presence just because you felt lazy next to him, but it wasn’t because he jumped around and talked at you. It was because his drive emanated from him like waves of energy.

Right now though, Leon is trying too hard…which is interesting because as far as Christian knows, Leon doesn’t like men that way. Maybe he just thought Emil was cool and wanted to be friends with him? Maybe Christian should stop being a bad friend from being so thoroughly amused with this situation and help Emil.

Poor Emil, he’s shaking.

“Leon.” Christian calls out. Leon doesn’t hear him. This will require a more direct intervention then. He steps forward and throws an arm around Leon’s shoulder. “He can’t recommend you anything if you don’t let him speak Leon! Come on, I’ll introduce you to the owner.”

Christian didn’t know if Leon was actually asking Emil for recommendations, but the phrase ‘introduce you to the owner’ managed to distract his wildly ambitious friend - part of that ambition meant being connected to the top people and not just in business. Christian didn’t advertise the fact that both his siblings were Partners in two different major audit firms, which is why he knew that whatever friendship he had with Leon was at least genuine.

Once Mathias and Leon were talking, Christian quickly retreated back to his friend. “Hey, feeling better?” Probably, since Emil was no longer shaking.

“How do you work with him everyday? He’s got more sugar in his blood than Mathias.”

Christian laughs. “Not usually, he’s actually not like that. I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“Hm…”

 

* * *

 

Sometime a few months later when Leon has learned how to speak to Emil like a regular human being, Belle is back and is taking a page out of Daan’s book and planning going to stay for more than a month. Also, Christian is pretty sure that there’s more to his brother’s ‘friendship’ with the object of everyone’s affection who is called Matthew Williams. He and Emil lie down next to each other on his bed in the dark, staring at the slowly-swiveling lights on the ceiling courtesy of his night-light star projector. It’s a poor replacement for camping, but it’s winter and there’s no camping for a couple of months. This is the best they’ve got for now unless they fly out of the country.

“Chris, when you think of what life will look like in ten years, or twenty or more…what does it look like to you?” Emil asks in the quiet.

Christian lets out a low whistle. “Is it worth trying to plan that far ahead? It never works when I try.”

“And you ended up doing fairly well for yourself.”

“Haven’t we all?” They’re lucky and privileged, honestly. Christian is a trader in a major global bank. Emil, Daan and Belle work for two of the world’s largest audit firms, Lukas leads a team of traders in a national gas giant, Mathias now owns the hottest new eatery in town, Berwald makes good money as an interior designer and artist…seriously they’re so successful it’s ridiculous. Christian realizes it’s been years since he’s spoken to anyone who is struggling or has struggled, the way his family used to - the days that his family went hungry, when the only path out turned out to be by splitting themselves up and all the fights that caused. Well just look at them now. It was insane and unreal, no wonder he hardly stopped to look backwards, he didn’t want the memories, and in the investment banking crowd, you looked ahead, not behind. “We’re lucky. Sometimes I wonder why. Daan’s ex would say it’s because we’re all blonde and good looking, which like…yeah okay. That has something to do with it, I’ll admit.”

“We got to go to university for free or cheap, most of us.” Emil adds.

“Yeah that too.”

“My parents…” Emil goes silent for a moment and Christian waits him out. “My parents were well off, the Bondeviks were pretty well off. Daan got his first internship because Mathias’ dad referred him to the company. So I guess at the end of the day, blonde, good-looking, and connections to wealth do a lot for you even if you don’t start off with it.”

“Holy grail of success?” Christian replies, feeling kind of uncomfortable. “Daan worked his ass off though. Belle too. But then…to be honest, a lot of people work their asses off. A lot of times it doesn’t mean a thing for them. It’s just not fair.” Unlike his siblings, Christian has never felt the need to go to Africa or Asia. Part of it was that by the time he was born the family was trying out living together again, so he never grew up in either place. Sometimes he thinks Daan and Belle are as driven as they are because they’ve seen the extremes - a nation’s worth of wealth concentrated in a few individuals, and poverty so severe that life was too heartbreakingly cheap. His siblings worked hard not just to give themselves and the people they love security, they kept going back to the places they grew up in to give back as well, however they could. He knows some of the dark history his ancestors played in the Congo and Indonesia. There’s oceans worth of blood there, enough torture and misery to fill lifetimes, and maybe there’s a sense of inherited guilt that kept them going back too.

So despite their early hardships, Christian knows that they’re lucky too. No matter how he personally feels about how hard it was to have little while young, it beats having nothing. He was lucky to have access to more than one country’s resources as long as enough people saved up for the plane ticket, and he is lucky to be younger than everyone else. He’s been taken care of by older siblings who had already struggled and put a network in place for him to get a step up from. Lucky enough to like what he did. Christian loves his job, and he knows that Emil really doesn’t.

“Yeah.” Emil grunts back. “You’re really kind of settled aren’t you? You’ve made it. If you just stopped buying expensive clothes for a year you could probably buy your own place rather than live here. And you’re happy to keep doing what you’re doing, so you’ll probably just keep getting promoted and make even more money.”

Christian scoffs. “Nah. Too much risk. I want to hit that sweet spot where I make enough to feel safe but I don’t risk losing everything in a lawsuit when something gets screwed up. I don’t need to be at the top of everything. I guess you’re right though. What am I doing here? And what else can I do with my money?” Having a quiet moment to actually think about how lucky he was, and what Daan and Belle told him about their experiences growing up, suddenly, having more money than he knew what to do with (except to go on shopping sprees) didn’t feel quite right.

“What do you mean, what else can you do with your money? You really don’t bother saving?”

“No, I’m not an idiot. Expensive brands are basically my one vice. I just feel like I can do more. I don’t think I’ll ever get married or have kids, it’s just…not my thing. I’m sure I’ll be able to spoil Daan and Belle’s kids when they come along so that’s that. As for a house I mean, I definitely want a house, with a garden. I’m going to adopt a big fluffy dog so it’ll need space to run around and be free! But like…it’s not enough to just want a random house with a big garden somewhere. Like yeah I’ll have my dog but the rest of you will be in the city, still…probably.”

Emil shifts and rests on his elbows, looking down at Christian, an understanding look on his face. “So you stay here because you don’t want to be far from everyone.”

Christian laughs without humor. “Odd right? Like, all those fights I used to have with Daan to just stop telling me what to do and let me live my life, and here I am, choosing to live it close to them. My parents never planned on having me, it was hard enough to manage with Daan and Belle, and Mom had to work in the Congo while Dad found work in Indonesia. Once I came along, I glued us all back together. I used to feel really stressed out like, why am I the piece holding this family together? But I guess as much as I felt trapped by it I’m used to it. It’s not that I didn’t want to live away from my family, I just wanted to live with my family without feeling like their happiness depended on me. Now it’s fine. Great even.”

“So…what’s your idea of a dream future home then?”

Christian tries to imagine it, the garden, the house, what he’d do when he work up in the mornings, the view he wanted to see out the window. “Well I want you to live next to me or across the street. Whatever, I just want to be able to bug you. I guess that’s kind of it - I want my family and friends living with me, you know…the neighborhood would be my community.”

Emil chuckles in response. “So basically what your brother is doing with having Mathias live with him and you and Belle not too far away, except in the suburbs so you can have a big dog.”

“No what I’m proposing is basically living in the same apartment building but on different floors, and yes, with a big dog.”

Emil has to laugh at that. “You need to actually come home to have a big dog, you realize that right, not be locked up in a trading room.”

Christian sighs. “Restrictions, restrictions. Maybe I can set something up from home at some point. Maybe it’s worthwhile getting promoted so I can convince the bank to let employees bring their pets to work - come on, we already have a daycare.” They laugh a little at the idea.

“No one would ever get work done you realize?” Emil smiles at the thought.

Christian shrugs as best he can while lying down on a bed. “Seriously though, I dunno, I’m happy with the way things are now. I could work less hours, that’s all I’d change, and you’re right, figure out better things to do with my money. It would be nice if it could go to an education fund or something, connect kids who don’t otherwise have the chance to the skills and connections that will get them somewhere. I’d have to look into it though, there’s tons of groups like that around, they’re not always effective.”

Emil’s face closed down and he collapsed back on the bed face down with a huff.

“What is it?”

“I hate my job.”

Christian wonders what the connection is but is also far past the point of surprise hearing about this old complaint. “It hasn’t gotten better?”

“No.”

“And you’re sticking to it because?”

Emil shifts so he can breathe. “Because I don’t know what else I can do.”

“You’ve got plenty of talents-”

“Yeah and let’s be realistic. A lot of people have plenty of talents, only a handful of talents pay well. You’re lucky, you’re really fucking good at trading numbers. The world values that skill and rewards you a lot for it even though to me I don’t get how making up more numbers out of numbers that only have imaginary value is so great for humanity. You could have been really passionate about knitting, even be a knitting genius and probably still starve! When you talk about giving kids the chance to step up, you’re really just talking about the kids who are able to work the numbers like you. What about the rest?”

That was…Emil had a point. But he couldn’t solve the overall large societal issue his best friend had brought up just now. The best he could do was try to talk his friend through his own crisis first, and maybe, just maybe, it would get him thinking towards whatever he could do about the bigger problem.  “You want to knit?”

“NO! I want to be able to do something that won’t make me reliant on my brother for the rest of my life and like it! You and Leon I just…you guys really really like what you do, except Leon cares more about money for the sake of having it, you just enjoy it.”

Christian laughs. “Don’t get me wrong, I like money for the sake of having money. Money is freedom. I remember not having much money and being so restricted with the choices and life I could have. Maybe that’s it, maybe I trained myself to love what I do because I knew it would give me freedom. You’ll have to ask Leon why he likes making money.”

Emil scoffs. “His goal is to be a millionaire by the age of 30.”

“Well fine, but let’s talk about you. It hurts you know, to see you so miserable every day. You hate and complain about your job…every day. You cried at your job, you got promoted and it’s not better, it’s worse I say. You’re not like…fifty-three with a family and five kids or something and forced to do this because otherwise they’ll starve. You’re a guy in his mid-twenties and living with your successful brother. You can still change.”

“Change to what though? I wish I had an answer.”

This was always the point in the conversation where they derailed because only Emil could figure that out for himself. “I don’t know Em but you’re lucky okay? You have a chance to figure it out. No one laughed at Mathias for leaving LEGO without a clue.” Because he had also been depressed as fuck by that point and they knew better than to laugh. “And look at him now. Even when he was busier than he ever was, he was satisfied and happy, with or without your brother by his side.”

Emil shifted. “And if he didn’t have your brother to take him in and give him a place to stay and give him the start-up money to get on his feet again?”

Christian has almost had enough of this. “But he did. Emil, don’t compare yourself to some imaginary version of a less lucky you. You have connections and a family that cares about you and won’t judge you. The Bondeviks are great people. When you finally can’t take it anymore, just give in your letter and ask Mathias if you can help at the cafe. You going there is the highlight of your day. If you feel that bad about being this lucky, do something about it so less people have to be unlucky once you find your feet.”

Christian can’t remember by now how many times he’s advised some variant of this so he says his piece and leaves it. The silence is heavy for a moment before Emil says “I was thinking of moving out and finding my own place.”

Oh.

“I was going to ask if you’d like to rent a place together but since I may not last too long and may end up living in the cafe, it would be pretty unfair to you if I convinced you to rent a cool place with me and then leave you to pay for all of it. So that’s one reason I stay.”

“Em…” Christian shifts and lies on his side, facing his friend. “If you need a place to stay while you figure your life out. You realize that to me you’re family right? You’re welcome to stay with me.

But Emil lays still under the rotating constellations, and Christian can just make out the tension between his brows. “Or if that would still make you feel too guilty, Leon can be your sugar daddy, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to.”

The frown deepens into a scowl and Christian bursts out laughing as Emil sits up, grabs his pillow and starts beating Christian with it. Christian can’t help it, he can’t stop laughing and the pillow doesn’t really hurt so he just lies there and halfheartedly defends his face. Finally the blows stop and Emil lies back down with a huff. When Christian finally stops laughing, Emil bites out. “It’s not like that with Leon.”

Christian rolls his eyes. He knows Leon and he knows what it is like to be Leon’s friend. He also knows that Emil may be shy and quiet, but that doesn’t mean he’s inexperienced. Emil had enough stories about his university days in Iceland that made Christian blush, heck he was sure it would have even made his siblings blush if they knew and that was saying a lot. So where was this coming from? “Not like what?”

“I don’t know, we just shop and eat and hang out.”

Christian rises and looks at his friend. “I can see you enjoying the eating, and Leon’s a funny guy when you get used to him, so the hanging out, sure. The shopping, probably leaves you bored.”

“I got used to shopping with you. Usually I just make sure he doesn’t overdo it.”

“So you guys are friends. Has he asked you for work favors?”

Emil frowns, he’s enough of an auditor by now that the idea makes him uncomfortable. “No!”

“Okay well then, Leon doesn’t usually make friends just for the sake of having friends. He’s all about connections usually, so the fact that he’s treating you as a friend for the sake of having a friend is a pretty big deal.”

“Well…he’s not you. He’s not…family. Not yet, who knows if ever.”

That makes Christian smile and he lightly bops Emil’s head with his own pillow. “Well, you like him though. I know you. At the very least, your pining over Matthew Williams seems to have reduced.” No, that baton may have been passed on to his own brother. Christian was actually pretty scared at the thought of ever meeting Matthew Williams, this strange man who touched the hearts of those that Christian knows and loves far too easily. Meeting him would either take the magic away or prove it to be too strong.

Emil shrugs. “Frankly Chris, I don’t think Leon likes men. He’s only ever talked about women and the type of women he would like to marry, and this imaginary woman sounds nothing like me and more like a female version of him, so whatever I feel on that note doesn’t really matter. I don’t force myself on anyone.”

The idea of Emil forcing anything is frankly ridiculous. He’s always responded more than actively pursued, and with looks like his he has been allowed to be lazy. That was probably the problem with this whole accounting business - it was easier for Emil to be an accountant than have to figure out for himself what he wanted to do and then go do it. “No Em, you definitely don’t force yourself on anyone, but Canada isn’t Iceland. You can’t just turn up at a party and be approached by people who are interested in you for casual sex, as easy and transparent as that is. If you like someone you have to kind of ask and prod and you know…try.”

“Leon is so straightforward though.”

Christian shrugs. “On some things. I don’t know, have you ever mentioned the type of person you’d like to marry?”

“No.”

“Do you speak much or is it mostly Leon?” Christian got the feeling he knew the answer to this question.

“What do you think?”

“Fine. Well, all jokes aside, you can’t give up on a crush until you at least prod a little and figure out if there’s a chance for you. And for heaven’s sake Emil, TALK. And more importantly, if you want to move into a new place, job or not, I’d love to have you as my housemate. We can even put one of these lights in every room! The place will be ours!”

Emil smiles at that, then grows somber. “That would be nice. You know, I’m here because the rest of you are here but…I miss Iceland. I think I’ll see about taking a trip soon. Wanna come?”

“Of course! Just let me know a couple of months in advance so I can apply for leave with minimal fuss.”

 

* * *

 

**ONE WEEK LATER**

The waffles are almost done. Christian knows he can’t make them as nicely as Belle does, but all he’s hoping for is for them to pass muster. She’s picky about her food and no wonder, she probably could have been a chef if she didn’t pursue consulting. He lifts the lid to the waffle machine and carefully places the steaming hot waffles onto the plate and carries it over to the table - all set up with his sister’s favorite condiments. He hasn’t seen her often in the past few months, and she’s been particularly exhausted.

“What’s this?” Belle grins from her bedroom door, wearing a comfortable robe over her pajamas. It’s 11am, which is late for her, but she’s been that tired and sick to boot.

“This is you having perfect timing! Come on sis, it’s cold outside, have some fresh hot waffles!

“Seriously Christian? You’re so sweet. This is why you’re my favorite brother.”

Christian laughs at that and feels his phone buzz in his pocket. “Speaking of…” He’s right, Daan has arrived, just at the right time as Christian predicted, based on the time his sister has been waking up lately.

“You guys didn’t…seriously?” Belle sinks down in her seat with a tired smile.

“If the sick can’t move, family comes to the sick.” That had sounded a lot better in his head. Ah well. He walked over to answer the knock at the door and let Daan in.

“I got the coffee pods, as you asked.” Daan handed over the bag after a quick hug. “And you,” He said rather pointedly to their sister. “Look like death.” Despite that his brother still leaned down and greeted Belle with kisses to her cheeks. Christian bites back a laugh as he tosses a pod into the coffee machine, remembering how Daan would roll his eyes as a teenager about how stupid their ancestors were for greeting people like that all the time - ‘no wonder we all got the fucking plague’. Well look at him now.

“And surprisingly, you don’t. Sit.” Belle patted the seat next to her, so Daan did.

As the coffee brewed, Christian walked over and took a picture.

“What’s that for?” Daan asks with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m documenting a momentous occasion. The three of us in the same place at the same time. Time to try my luck with the lottery.”

Belle giggles and shakes her head. “Oh sit down you!”

“Once our coffees are done, I will!”

Brunch is nice, sweet and familiar. Something Christian hasn’t felt in a long time and didn’t realize how long until now. He leans back and looks at Belle and Daan joking around with their false snappiness and teasing and thinks for a moment that he almost doesn’t believe that this moment is real. It’s felt like forever.

“Hey how about we do this once a week?” Christian finds himself asking.

“Do what?” Daan asks, somewhat distracted by a barb Belle has just delivered.

“Have brunch together on a weekend. Once a week, just us, or everyone but you know, the three of us have to be together.” His voice came out smaller than he expected it would, and it surprised him to sound quite so wistful. Damnit, he’s not five anymore, where had this come from?

Daan opens his mouth but thankfully closes it, stopping whatever potentially untactful thing which was about to fly out from it. He’s not great with this kind of thing, and even if he had said something untactful, Christian wouldn’t really be affected because he’s used to not taking his brother’s words personally most times. The thing is, that gesture hits Christian in the chest. His brother has changed, he’s still his brother, but he’s grown up even more, and it happened during his travels, gradually over time away from Christian and his observations.

Belle is better at the emotional stuff, so she takes Christian’s hand and squeezes it. “I’d really love that, what a great idea Risje.” How long has it been since he’s heard that little nickname? She turns to look at Daan. “Well you know who has to make the journey since the two of us are here.”

“Actually,” Christian manages to speak up with a smile. “I’m just beginning to think about it, not sure yet, but I’m considering looking around for my own place. I think it’s about time to invest in one but I don’t quite know what I want yet. But yeah, no matter what I mean, if I stay or move out, can we just make dedicated time for each other at least once a week? If possible. It’s just…it looks like you two are going to be staying put for a while. We may as well take advantage of that opportunity.”  

“Buying your first place huh?” Daan replies with approval. “To live or for investment purposes only?”

“Both?”

Daan thinks for a moment. “I’d be careful with that. If you want a place for yourself it’s got to be for yourself. And what you like may not be particularly sellable, but who cares? That’s going to be where you live. But if you want to get into the market of flipping property and making that a new source of income, you’ll need to keep up with the housing market - not just the numbers, but what designs are in fashion and have staying power, which neighborhoods are looking at gentrification, which ones are too new or too reliant on limited industries.”

“And don’t dismiss cheaper property markets either.” Belle chimed in. “There’s no point buying a place just to find out later that no one can afford to buy it or rent it from you. You’ll get stuck, and you’ll lose money instead. Before you even start you really need to think about what you want out of it, it’s the same with any serious buy, NOT how you buy your clothes! You can’t just discard a home once you’re bored with it!”

It’s weird, how happy he is with being lectured by his siblings. Profit was their neutral language, where they met in one place no matter what else they disagreed on. He wondered if this was normal among siblings and guessed that it probably wasn’t. What did Emil and Lukas talk about? Surely they shared advice, surely they had to talk even though both of them were so quiet by nature?

Christian observes his siblings again and feels warmth spread through his chest. He loves them and he’s so proud of them. 

The keys for success he thinks - blonde hair, access to wealth, and free access to informed advice - all these are unfair advantages that he’s never really thought of until now. He can’t look away from the obvious step up he’s had, but when he looks at his siblings he realizes the biggest step up he had been lucky to have from the moment he was born.

Love.

Christian observes their excitement, them being here with him, how free they are with their advice, eager to support his latest venture. He feels so much love for them that even his cheeks are starting to feel warm. 

The most important recipe for success, and indeed anything really, is love. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you think you know who you are because it's just easier to hide from yourself.

As long as no idiot went about trying to do something like...be a party to a Libor fixing scandal, or siphon off money into their own pockets solo, or any of the other scandals that were easy to fall into as a trader, their bonuses would be excellent this year. Good enough perhaps to put down on a place, or some other big project, Christian wasn’t sure yet. He spent his free time browsing properties and reading up on property ownership. There wasn’t much free time - it was mostly snuck in between other tasks - a few minutes here and there. He got the feeling that he needed to actually dedicate time to his thoughts and plans, maybe set aside a whole day - a Saturday preferably, since Sundays were now family days, but it was easier said than done. Outside of work, Christian found his mind easily distracted if it even wanted to work at all.

So there it was - fragmented images put together like odd puzzle pieces in his head of a dream home that wasn’t quite complete yet. The yard from one house, the interior design of another, the lure of a tiny home versus the temptation of more space than he would ever know what to do with for the imaginary dog he still didn’t own. He thought of volunteering at the closest animal shelter but held himself back because knowing him, he’d end up adopting 10 dogs and who knew where they would live?

Maybe it was because he was so distracted that he missed the signs. Emil had been quiet, which he had a habit of doing sometimes - Emil occasionally needed a break from the world, where he would disconnect, stay in his room and not touch a computer or phone unless he absolutely had to. No, Christian should have noticed something because Leon was different. While already madly ambitious before, now Leon lived in the trading room, he was still there when Christian left, and he was already there when Christian entered in the mornings. He didn’t even think of it when he comments, “I know you’re too smart to be risking it all on some number fixing so what is it? Saving up for a house? Sleep is for the lazy?”

Leon freezes and scowls at Christian for a moment, before he seems to catch himself and relax. That surprises Christian. Leon had never done that before.

“What the fuck Leon?” Christian shoots back with an amused tone. He’s not really amused, but traders work in a small team and he doesn’t want to unnecessarily ruin the camaraderie here because he’s annoyed.

Leon just stares at him, bleary-eyed for a moment. He really hasn’t been sleeping. Now Christian is just worried.

“I need a break.” Leon announces suddenly.

It’s a hint, so Christian shrugs and says, “Sure I’ll come with you.”

Downstairs, Leon presses a cigarette to his lips and inhales deeply. Many bankers smoked, it relaxed them, and gave them an excuse to catch ten minutes to themselves and network while they did it. Who knew how much the world had been changed thanks to verbal deals made and sealed during these cigarette breaks? Relatively confined places where men and women had to share an ashtray, as most the world glared at them askance for being idiots. Around these areas, they shared their vice and usually saw each other several times a day. So why not talk while they did so? As they shared lighters to light their drags and cynically joke about what a terrible habit smoking is? Christian doesn’t smoke, but he knows that his brother used to. Daan managed to kick the addiction, mostly because cigarettes were obscenely expensive. Daan simply didn’t see the value in them anymore when there were other cheaper ways to calm down. Also, Mathias had played a big role in reminding (strong-arming) Daan to seek breaks in other ways - literally pulling him away from his computer on weekends to go cycling, or generally being a pest until Daan was forced to drop what he was doing and make sure Mathias didn’t accidentally kill himself while trying something that sounded really fun, but was perhaps very stupid. In Daan’s case, when he mountain biked through woods and trees, he didn’t need the false relaxation that came from nicotine, he got the real thing. Still, Christian saw the weed in his brother’s room, sometimes his brother still needed the additional help just to sleep.

So...Christian simply stands there outside, traffic going by and pedestrians walking around them on the street in front of their office building. He muses while Leon slowly burns his way through the cigarette, also deep in thought. It then finally occurs to Christian that he should be checking up on Emil, because what if this is connected to him? As he pulls out his phone, Leon all but confirms it.

“How is Emil doing?”

Christian freezes and raises an eyebrow. “Sometimes Em needs quiet time and goes off the grid. Is that what’s stressing you out?” It’s possible that Emil simply disappeared on Leon, and Leon, not knowing Emil as well, had assumed bad things.

“He seemed upset when we last talked and he hasn’t responded to my messages. Is that normal?”

Oh for...Christian rubs his face with his hands and tiredly faces his colleague. “What happened?”

Leon narrows his eyes and takes another long drag. “Has Emil ever dated anyone before? I mean like...actually dated, not just you know, stand around and be admired and respond to it for however long that can possibly last when one party just doesn’t talk?”

Christian doesn’t like the tone and feels rather defensive of his best friend. “Not everyone needs to be surrounded by people and making noise all the time Leon.”  

Leon deflates a little and leans against the column. “I’m sorry, yeah I just…” He lets out a humorless laugh. “I didn’t know he liked me. But now that I know he does I don’t know how to handle it, and I know that makes me a shitty friend, so maybe I don’t deserve like...friendship.”

Christian really can’t see the whole picture here but he can guess at what happened. “Not that this is any of my business but I feel like in order to help...what exactly did Emil say to make you...come to this conclusion?” He wasn’t going to confirm or deny the truth of what Leon said, it wasn’t really his place to.

Leon stubs out the cigarette and turns to face Christian. “He said ‘I like you Leon’, it was hard to miss.”

Christian should have known better, he really should have, when he advised his friend with ‘TALK’. Though he also had said ‘prod’ and ‘find out’. Christian hadn’t meant this flat out statement. In retrospect he should have given more directions, knowing who he was talking to. He had thought that Emil was getting better at the whole ‘talking’ thing since they’d grown up though.

“What did you say? I promise you Leon, I know Emil and he’s not the type of person to force himself on someone who doesn’t want him. But with how he’s gone quiet and you’re a wreck, I get the feeling something bad was said.” Christian can’t help his tone darkening at the thought of his sensitive friend being hurt, even though it’s impossible to avoid hurt in this world. But Emil has gone through so much, and feels so much intensely. He voids up his feelings sometimes because the alternative is too painful.

Something must show on Christian’s face because Leon puts his hands up briefly, as if to defend himself, before dropping them again. “I got defensive right like, and I kinda laughed and said ‘Like yeah I figured, I don’t think you’d spend this much time with anyone you didn’t like’, then he asked me out on a date and I was like, shit he really went there! So I, yeah I mean I actually said, ‘oh crap, you mean that kind of ‘like’?”

This column looked hard enough, made with granite. Christian wanted to knock some heads into it.

Leon continued. “So yeah like...then we just looked at each other and it was really awkward and really quiet because I had...dude I had no idea what to say. That’s never happened to me before! And it must have been really awkward for a really really long time because Emil eventually just gets up and says ‘forget I said anything’ and leaves.”

Seriously? “And... ?”

“And I was still in shock okay! I sat there for a really long time, then when I started messaging him, he wouldn’t answer!” Leon pulls out his phone and shows Christian a screen full of ‘read’ messages. “He still hasn’t answered!”

Christian waves the phone away. “Look I don’t know what to make of this. Do you like Emil that way or not?”

Leon waves his arms around in an almost panic. “I don’t know! I’ve never thought of being with a dude or basically anyone who wasn’t born female okay? That was the expectation! I’ve never stopped to question it or think about what it means! I think a lot about how to be financially secure by the time I’m 30, not this stuff! I just kind of thought the other stuff would just happen or fall into place? That I could give my parents the grandbabies that would look like them to play with and carry on our name once I made my fortune! Not like ‘Wong’ is the most endangered name in the world or anything, but yeah! Call me an idiot or a bigot or whatever, I never thought about it until now alright?! I don’t know and I wish that I did!”

Christian feels like he can go home right now, trading day be damned. “Did you tell him this?”

“Dude, did you read the messages I sent to him?!”

Christian rolls his eyes. “No I didn’t, how is that any of my busine-” Leon shoves the phone in front of him again and Christian reads Leon’s many panicked messages explaining what he feels or confusion and general state of not knowing what he feels. Each statement seems to contradict the previous one, some of them are downright unintentially insulting, and poorly worded in panic. No wonder Emil is ignoring him...but hasn’t blocked him. It also appears that they’re equally idiotic at speaking to each other. Just now Christian had wanted to scream ‘damnit Emil, you didn’t have to say it like that’ but now he’s barely restraining himself from strangling Leon. “You...couldn’t have waited till your thoughts were clearer before you tried saying anything to him?”

“Who knows how long it would take if I wait that long?! Wouldn’t I make it worse by just being silent?”

Christian throws his hands up in the air. “How do you have this many friends and still not know how to talk to people?!”

Leon is pulling at his hair with one hand now. “Dude! My friends and I are friends because we like money! I talk to them about cars, phones, cameras, movies, gambling and the latest fashions! None of them are like Emil! I don’t know how to talk to Emil! Emil is fucking deep okay, he’s different! I tried to figure it out for months but he doesn’t really like talking unless he’s really interested!”

Christian is now rubbing his face in his hands, this is a disaster. “Cars, phones, cameras, movies, gambling and fashion...seriously? That’s what you’ve been talking at Emil about for the past few months? Fuck me, he must really like you, though I have no idea why.”

“Hey! No you aren’t listening. I said that’s what I talk about with my other friends! Emil and I mostly talked about art.”

Christian freezes and drops his hands. Something clicks in his brain. “Art?”

“Yes, art. That’s what I spend my bonus money on sometimes, I buy and collect art, usually contemporary Chinese stuff but also stuff from Japan. I kind of dabble occasionally with the stuff that’s starting to come out of Southeast Asia but that’s just beginning days. Sometimes I sell my stuff too, but usually I buy. Emil has a good eye, I mean of course he does, his mother was an artist right? We talk about art but we also talk about how art influences like everything! What do you think they use to design cars? Safety sure but like, you can’t just have an ugly safe car! And phones, they have to be aesthetically pleasing you know? You think the designers pull all this out of thin air? No they’re inspired. Arguably, I mean, there hasn’t been a truly beautiful car since the-”

“Leon! Shut up! You speak to Emil about Art?”

“That’s what I just said!”

Christian forces himself to take a mental step back. Traders develop impatient personalities - because their work moves at such a fast pace they develop a habit of not being able to wait for anything. They want the delivery now, they want the call to come back now, they need the response now, they need that taxi now...well, ‘now’ is generous, traders need everything ‘yesterday’, but that’s a problem because Emil doesn’t work by the rules of ‘now’ and ‘yesterday’. Most people don’t actually. There’s so many things to unpack here.

Traders also crave effective solutions. Okay Christian, step-by-step.

“Leon...do you want my advice?”

“Yes! You’ve known him all his life!”

“Why?” It has to be asked. If Leon can’t talk to Emil without making Emil feel like he’s unwelcome, if Leon doesn’t know how to talk to Emil without accidentally causing hurt or silencing him, if Leon didn’t know himself what he wants...why should Christian help him? It would be better for Emil to forget about Leon for now, and let Leon do the growing up he needed to do.

Leon deflates at the question and leans against the pillar, which he slowly sinks down against until he’s awkwardly leaning against the lower end of it, arms resting on his legs. He stares down at the floor. “Because he’s my friend Christian. I think he’s the only real friend I have. It scares me. You have no idea how much it scares me. What kind of person reaches our age and only has one real friend outside of family? A person like me. Here I am. I’m everything I was raised to be - successful, rich and getting richer, I know powerful people. Yeah, meeting Emil was a case of mistaken identity and then I got to know him. He’s even better than the mistaken identity...so here I am, some kid with no real friends. What have I done to deserve like...someone else’s real feelings? I never expected to be liked for the sake of being me, I thought that whole thing would be a business transaction like anything else - a merger you know? Like everything else in life, why do you think I work so hard for money? I mean, don’t relationships sound like mergers to you? Like, similar ambitions and resources coming together into partnership to make something stronger?”

What a fine mess this is. Christian leans against the pillar, looking down at Leon in thought. They’ve been away for a long time now even by the standards of a cigarette break but who cares? Once upon a time, Daan may have said something similar about relationships -  but even then, Daan would say these things but scribble poetry that betrayed his actual thoughts once he thought no one was looking. Call Christian a nosy little brother, he’s snuck in and had read some of these poems before, when he was too young to fully understand the importance of how private these thoughts were. He stopped after Belle caught him and gave him a long lecture about it. To her credit, she never told Daan, and she placed the journal back on the shelf. Now, for the first time in years, Christian thinks back to the words he read, that his brother had written from the depths of his heart - locked away from outside eyes because he never felt that he should be vulnerable. Christian feels invisible fingers squeezing his heart in his chest - the longing, the desire, the cry for someone to want to understand, to be worthy of someone to cherish - freedom to love, freedom to live by one’s own rules, not that of anyone else. Most of all, the simple beauty of those wishes. Maybe Christian had always believed more of his brother because he had read those words and knew that more rested underneath Daan’s otherwise hard demeanour even back then.

“Do you actually believe that?” Christian asks softly. “I know some people do and it makes sense. Marriage started out as a business or political tradition more than anything else, but this isn’t medieval times. We’re all encouraged to be romantics now. So have you always believed that?”

Leon shrugs. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I never thought about it. Now I am. It’s a lot of thinking to make up for more than two decades of living and not thinking about why people come together despite not really matching up on paper.”

“Have you ever liked anyone?” Christian asks, suddenly curious about what it must feel like.

“Yeah, at least I had thought so. Usually people like me.”

Sounds about right for what Emil had mentioned. “And why didn’t those work out?”

Leon shrugs. “Because sometimes, no matter how good you are on paper, or jointly-ambitious, it doesn’t necessarily mean compatibility. Sometimes I don’t know why it didn’t work out - as I said, great on paper just isn’t good enough sometimes.”

Christian nods. “Well Leon, I can listen but that’s basically all I can do. I can’t be the one who makes a decision on what you want from Emil, or if Emil should even want you now, that’s up to you two to figure out separately. To me it just sounds like you want Emil to be your friend, because he’s your only friend. Man...that’s not a good reason. I think you need to take what you’ve learned here and go out and find more...as you call it, ‘real’ friends.”

Leon sags even more. “So I’ve well and truly fucked up with Emil huh? I never wanted to hurt him I just...I just did.”

Christian has never seen Leon look so...raw. Raw, guilt-ridden, and young.  “I mean...regardless of whether Emil feels comfortable enough to talk to you again, it just sounds like you need to figure out if you actually like my best friend or if you just don’t know what having a real friend is like. Maybe going out there and making more genuine friends may help you determine the difference, then you can figure out if you ever liked Emil the way he liked you to begin with. No guarantees that he’ll still be around or available though. That’s honestly up to him. Leon man, there’s a big difference between liking someone, or just fearing their absence.”

Christian can’t help the small grimace at that. He may not have his own romantic experience to draw from, but he knows that both Daan and Belle have made that mistake - holding on because of possession, because of fearing the unknown, because they didn’t want to lose someone, rather than holding on because they had actually loved them.

“Yeah.” Leon breathes out. “You’re right, totally like...yeah just right. I need to figure myself out, sometimes I’m not sure if I’m like unfairly uncomfortable at the idea of being with Emil because just being his friend already makes me question all this stuff. If I hadn’t met him, maybe it would be easier, like I’d have been happy just living as I was, but like...once you start demanding and expecting more from things and people, you can’t just stop. And it’s not fair, it’s absolutely not fair to think that. On the other hand I’m like...grateful. But I feel like I need to grow up again when I already was supposed to have finished the process and figured shit out.”

Christian grins humorlessly and sinks down next to Leon, slacks be damned. “Seems to me that it never really stops right? We’re supposed to change and grow.”

Leon lets out a huff. “I thought adulting would mean having all my shit together. Fine. Anyway, if Emil wants to cut me out because I hurt him, I totally get it but I don’t want to end it just like this.” He lifts up his phone. “Shit ton of incoherent messages? Dude, this friendship deserves more than that.”

Christian laughs. “I know that we like getting things done like...now right now! But take a break. Do something else, wait at least a day or something and if you figure out what you actually want to say to Emil, and I mean it, the actual message, not something you’ll want to change a few minutes later, then send that to him. And you know, be honest, tell him kind of what you told me - you’re grateful, you respect him, knowing him has made you want to figure yourself out, and you want to be his friend when you deserve to be...or I dunno, that’s basically what you told me in all your rambling. Also very important because Emil feels nervous about this stuff - tell him that he’s in no way obligated to-”

“Respond, yeah yeah, or like, take me back as a friend or like, I dunno, more…maybe, I don’t…” Leon’s cheeks go pink. “Man this is so hard! Can I pay you to write the message for me?! You’d be so good at it!”

Christian doesn’t dignify that desperate question with a response.

“Fine! Sorry I’m an idiot! Ugh. I’m just...I get nervous over important stuff. I may never write that message because I don’t want to get it wrong!”

Over important stuff. Christian has to smile a little at that. “That’s something you two have in common with each other. Good luck.”

“Chrisman!”

Christian takes a deep breath. “Take a day to yourself, and tell him exactly that, say you get nervous and say the wrong things when it’s something very important to you, be honest. Trust me, Emil will understand if you tell him that. I don’t think he knows how nervous you get. You both just...express that same anxiety differently.”

Leon swallows a nervous gulp. “Yeah?”

Christian shrugs.

“Fine, okay.” Leon sighs. “Time to get back to work I guess.”

“Get some sleep too, take a melatonin if you have to. I don’t think the lack of sleep is doing anything good for your brain.”

Leon nods and they walk back to their desks.

 

* * *

 

It’s a Friday night when Christian finally makes it over to visit Emil and Lukas has let him in with a look of relief in his eyes.

“Christian, come in. Rough week.” It’s more a statement than a question. Lukas is also a trader by trade (heh), but he trades energy while Christian trades financial investments. It’s different specialties but Lukas is of course, much more senior and aware of all the numbers. He knows what they’ve been like this week, he can guess what kind of week Christian has had.

“Yeah, but I think we’re starting to see it stabilize. I haven’t had a chance to check in with Emil and he’s pretty quiet even by his standards…?”

Lukas narrows his eyes. “That kid who works with you-”

“Has also looked like hell this week. Think it’s okay to check on Em?”

“For you? It generally is. Anyway, you two have fun, I think Emil needs space right now so I’ll let you two have the apartment, I’m heading out, but I’ll be back with Mathias later. You want anything? Chocolate? Snacks?”

It’s kind of cute sometimes, how the older ones still spoke to them as if they were twelve. Emil didn’t really like it but Christian milked it as much as he could. “Maybe not chocolate but if there are leftover danishes from the shop, it would be a waste to throw them out?”

Lukas smiles as he wraps his scarf around his neck. “We’re up to our ears in danishes, but it’s winter, we need the sugar. See you later. EMIL! Christian’s here!”

“Bye!”

Christian follows the echo of Emil’s voice to the study, not to his room, interesting. He opens the door and his jaw drops. Emil is covered in paint, there’s plastic covering the furniture and desk, it’s just Emil and a large canvas on an easel, with some interesting music that sounded like a combination of folk song and metal screaming from the laptop.

“Hey.” Emil nods at him. “Careful, there’s paint on the floor.” Christian looks down and sees the plastic covering there too and gingerly places his laptop bag down against the wall outside. It’s interesting once he’s in, there’s several canvases lined up against the walls, one looks like a futuristic cityscape, all dark blues, a blurry suggestion of neon lights and other artificial lights surrounded by a green sea. There’s a vague impression of swirls that imply something more natural throughout, almost like those mosaics of images that make up a larger image but not quite. Christian isn’t sure if the swirl is the sea, or a fish, or something else, but it’s curious. Now Emil is smearing blue onto a new canvas, on top of the white he’s already painted on it. The paints smear together, forming a pleasant light blue shade, but he adds more different shades of blue and specs of green to it.

“Emil this is cool!” Christian grins. “When did you start painting? I don’t remember you doing this since well...before the accident.” Which was now a long time ago.

His best friend shrugs. “Yeah. I just remembered it. I don’t know, you reach a breaking point sometimes right? Then I remembered playing with my mother’s paints and felt like doing that again. I’ve been doing that every evening this week, whenever I get back from work. Actually I didn’t bother going in today, I worked remotely, but actually I didn’t do anything. I guess I’ll need to catch up tomorrow. Whatever.”

“Did you just buy paints?”

Emil smiles, it’s bittersweet. “No. These are Mama’s. I thought we tossed out a lot of stuff but somehow her paints, easel and canvas stayed. At first I thought I didn’t want to touch them unless I had a masterpiece in here, then I figured...well, she’d be upset if they just kept collecting dust so...and the paints surprisingly, were sealed well enough that they didn’t dry out. I will run out soon though, I just ordered some online.”  

“What are you painting now?”

Emil shrugs. “I have no idea, I’m just playing around. Have you had dinner?”

“Nah, thought I’d see if you were in the mood to eat with me. If you’re in the artist zone though, I can help myself.”

Emil laughs at that. “Artist zone. I’m in the kid’s zone honestly, just playing around. I should make time to do this, it would help with my stress levels. I guess I just need to worry about paint fumes.”

With the amount his friend was suddenly smiling, Christian had to nod. Emil did seem a little high. “Yeah the study seems kind of small?”

“Lukas keeps telling me to leave the door open but I also kind of want to do this privately. I’ll figure something out. Maybe I can rent space somewhere, there’s so many community spaces I just need to look. Food?”

They dig up whatever is in the fridge and make do with leftovers. It’s nice to relax here at the end of a long week. “When you’re working tomorrow I can hang around and work here, with the VPN.” Christian adds between bites. Emil meanwhile, looks like he’s very far away, but nods.

Christian wonders if he should bring Leon up at all. Since their conversation earlier in the week, it looked like his colleague was doing better but Christian hadn’t pried about things like whether or not he ever sent a message he was happy with.

“How’s Leon?” Or sometimes your best friend just read your mind.

“Well, he was terrible earlier in the week but by the latter part of the week he started looking like a man who understood what sleep was again.”

Emil nods and takes another bite.

Christian shakes his head. “Em... how are you?”

Emil chews and thinks on the question. “You know, if you had asked me earlier in the week, I was feeling so shitty I didn’t want to see anyone, not even you, barely even Lukas. But as I said, sometimes you hit a breaking point. Right now I feel strangely…well, not good, but not as bad as before and...not as bad as I thought I’d be. I knew Leon wasn’t interested and wasn’t expecting anything. I think what bothers me more is the idiotic back and forth - just tell me ‘no’ damnit and get it over with. The more awkward it is, the less bad I feel about things. That, on top of my usual feelings about work.” He shrugs.

Christian nods, feeling a relief of sorts, he’s not quite sure how to appraoch this. “Did he...send you any coherent message at any point?”

Emil snorts with some laughter, but it’s still exasperated. “Eventually, yes. Did you know that Leon gets nervous? I mean, it sounds stupid to hear me say it now, everyone gets nervous, but I thought Leon was immune for some reason - crush goggles probably. I got a message that finally wasn’t shit and contained a proper apology, but he needs to figure shit out and frankly, so do I.”

Now the relief is full blown and Christian feels a heavy weight lift from his shoulders. “I’m so glad to hear that Em. You know what this calls for?”

Emil raises an anticipatory eyebrow, and Christian knows that the tables are about to be turned on him. It’s confirmed when Emil calmly answers “Brennivin.”

Yeah, that’s a little smirk. Christian looks around when Emil gets up to retrieve the drink from the fridge - if they were going to get drunk, well there were worse places to do it than here, already at home. It’s also worrying though, because Emil usually wouldn’t choose to let go this much at home. He never had actually. Christian sends off a quick text to Belle letting her know that he’s not likely going home tonight. Even if he isn’t going to keep up with Emil with the shots, he’s not going to abandon him either. And maybe if it was at all possible, he could prevent too much insanity.

Christian knocks back the first shot though, of course he does. They’re celebrating the better end of a shit week, but he’s also hoping that Emil opens up about...well anything he needs to open up about. It’s good to let the caraway burn down the back of his throat - it’s cold out and the Brennivin relieves that despite being chilly itself. But to his surprise, it’s Emil who takes charge of the conversation while he’s contemplating life and Brennivin.

“You look like you’ve had a stressful week too,” Emil sighs, leaning over to refill Christian’s shot. “But you know, I had an idea. Why don’t you tell me what you’ve dreamed up about your dream home and I’ll paint it. You can hang it up in your room so you won’t forget about it.”

Christian feels warmth in chest as grins ruefully, “You think I’m that forgetful? It’s been the only thing I’ve been thinking about when I’m not working.”

“Yeah but you’re not going to have a painting of your work.”

There’s some kind of artist’s logic there, and Christian expects Emil to explain it to him. Instead, Emil raises a second shot.

“Are we drinking to the fact that no one paints the concept of stock exchange?” Christian asks because really, but Emil just laughs.

“No, because that’s not true, there are paintings of everything, and that means there are also lots of paintings of the stock exchange.” He says with a thoroughly unimpressed tone.

Christian has to laugh, he knows that Emil would never forgive him if he spent money on a painting of the stock exchange.

“Okay, how about this,” Christian lifts the shot glass for the next toast. “Let’s drink to the fact that you’re like my brother too, and I love you so much that I’ll never buy a painting of a stock exchange, or money, stuff you hate. To art Emil won’t hate!”

Emil looks like he wants to say something but just downs the shot instead.

Christian doesn’t know how many shots they had in total, but before he completely loses it he remembers to turn on the mic on his phone to record them because he knows, he just KNOWS that their conversation is actually mindblowing and out of this world. It’s going to answer all the problems of everything that was ever everything. They’ve gazed off the edge of the world and saw the wisdom over the falls.

Except...

“Toast to Pelutze!” Christian cries - it’s all chill and warm and spice now, nothing else.

“Who?”

“My dog!”

And because Emil is his best friend, he nicely doesn't mention that Christian doesn't have a dog yet. Nope, he just shrugs and cries “...to Pelutze!”

Somehow they’ve happily stumbled back to the paint room, green bottle in Christian’s hand as Emil decides to paint Christian’s dog. It’s a masterpiece.

Then Christian tries to make the words to describe his dream home but it’s morpheous and keeps flitting around, but there’s a nice big yard but it’s so so empty that Christian suddenly wants to cry so he tells Emil to cover it in Pelutzes instead. But no he’s crying, the Pelutzes are too late. What is the point of a beautiful home and a big dog when it’s just him? What happens if he moves out on his own, when his best friend actually falls in love and leaves and dilutes himself from his life, when his brother needs to wander again and runs to the other side of the world? When his sister’s guilty heart does the same and just like before he’s left with an empty apartment or the trading room - but at least he has company in the trading room. What’s wrong with him? Christian finally has his house but there’s no one there, nothing but bunnies and dogs and the poetry of the numbers and the predictable confusion of human whims that controls the numbers he trades. They’re beautiful and wonderful and cuddly to him - the bunnies, the dogs, the numbers, yes even the numbers. But they’re not his family. Why is he crying? There’s nothing to cry about, seriously why…?

And now Emil is crying, Christian is fucking contagious. He glares at the bottle of Brennivit as if it’s all its fault. And because they may as well be brothers, they hold each other, while Emil still tries to paint his dream house and its many dogs. Christian dips a finger in some paint and draws a stupidly wobbly stick figure, then another, and more happy things. It’s starting to look familiar, so Emil stops and gives up, letting Christian continue his elementary finger painting.

Oh...it looks a lot like the Kohler home. That makes a strange sense, he had spent a lot of time there, Emil lived there and it was always warm no matter how cold in life or outside. No matter how uncomfortable Christian had felt as a young boy with his hand-me-down sweaters and a family fractured all over the world with three babies from three random hookups. Here it was how it was supposed to be, here he was just another member of the family. Here, fire always crackled in the fireplace, here, even his brother smiled. It was…

“I’ve been looking the wrong way. That’s it, that’s…” He looks around but Emil has fallen back on the carpet. It’s dark in the room, there’s only one lamp on, and the trails from Emil’s previous tears. Previous? Christian decides to falls over backwards and realizes just how plush and comfortable the carpet is, but now that he’s right next to him, he can see how broken his friend looks. The house...he’s an idiot. “Oh Em I’m sorry.”

Emil shakes his head and Christian reaches out. They hold each other in the dimness and Christian holds Emil against his chest, resting his chin on soft hair. It’s comfortable on the carpet, and Christian can feel himself sagging into his dreams. Somewhere in between this world and the land of dreams, he thinks he hears Emil say something.

“I’m sorry too. I don’t think can stay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm honestly making this up based on the few notes we have on Luxembourg. I've never had this much money to burn through (lol) or invest in anything.


End file.
